The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

As seniors experience increasing challenges of mind and body, daily living becomes more difficult. It can be hard for seniors to feel whole and independent, and to retain a sense of purpose. A large part of being a caregiver is helping the elder person to feel whole, to live as independently as possible and to continue having a sense of purpose. It’s about helping them manage their lives with dignity. This is the quiet, subtle duty of a caregiver, and Empowered Caregivers understand how important it is.

As we age, it becomes increasingly difficult to do things that were once so simple. Seniors may have difficulty performing the basics of hygiene: showering, washing their hair, dressing, brushing their teeth. As life becomes more difficult, a senior may often neglect personal hygiene simply to avoid the struggle. As alarming as that may sound to you, it is true, and what it means is that you are going to have to do some uncomfortable things to help your loved one live with dignity.

Empowered caregivers understand that the aging process is not kind and that no amount of yelling at someone about their lack of self care is going to change that. Empowered Caregivers know that caregiving comes with some specific challenges, and they consciously remove the emotion to accomplish the task at hand.

As seniors age, their sense of smell declines, so they may not be aware of their body odor or of how their lack of personal hygiene presents itself to others. Because bathing becomes less of a pleasure and more of a physical challenge, many seniors simply stop bathing. Because moving, bending and lifting are more difficult for seniors, they may not launder their clothes or send it to the dry cleaners, exacerbating the odor issue. And then you have incontinence. Accidents happen, and once again, you need to help your loved one deal with this additional sign of aging without anger, guilt, shame or other negative emotions. No one wants to be incontinent, but it’s a fact of elder life. Between fifteen and thirty percent of the senior population experience a lack of urinary or bowel control. It’s a source of embarrassment and other disturbing emotional issues for them. They may very well act as though they don’t care or don’t even notice, but truthfully, they do, and it’s a difficult dilemma for them. Put yourself in your father’s place just for a minute, and imagine how embarrassing it is for him to ask his daughter, son or wife to help him figure out how to deal with his incontinence. Stop reading for a minute and actually try to put yourself in his place.

Many seniors withdraw from friends and family because they feel so ashamed. Many never even discuss the problem with their doctor. Many end up in assisted-living facilities because their families don’t know what to do. This is completely unnecessary. You can and must deal with this situation. In most cases, it is important to understand that incontinence is not the result of any physical or mental illness, but simply part of aging. Wrap your head around that.

If you notice that your loved one is experiencing incontinence of any kind, make an appointment to see the doctor. Enlist the doctor’s support so that you don’t have to deal with the situation. Medical treatments and medications can help. Prescription medicines and the wrong diet can wreak havoc on a senior’s intestinal system; adjusting them may help. If you have enlisted the help of the doctor and nothing has improved, then it’s time to begin using adult undergarments. Does the thought of undergarments make you cringe?

Let’s talk about it.

Adult undergarments should be used as infrequently as possible, because seniors easily become dependent on them. If you need to, remind the senior about using the toilet. You can purchase a type of booster that sits on top of the toilet seat to provide easier access. You can also have a plumber add elevation to the existing toilet. Place a grab bar by the toilet for safety.  The more comfortable, safe and easy it is for senior to use the toilet, the more willing she will be to use it.

If you do use undergarments, begin by having the senior wear one on a trip out of the house and see how it goes.

This is a dignity issue. You do not want your loved one experiencing embarrassment if it can be avoided. Public restrooms are not always readily available or close by and sometimes accidents happen. Wearing an undergarment gives the senior confidence. Assuming you’ve been to the doctor and the senior is fully aware of the problem, it shouldn’t be an issue to discuss wearing an undergarment. Still, there are more and less favorable ways to do this.

First, never use the word “diaper,” which will remind the senior of babies and helplessness. Rather, refer to it as an “undergarment,” a “pad,” a “shield” or even “underwear.” Designs are constantly changing, so go to a medical-supply store and ask which kind is easiest to use. The “pull up” style is probably simplest. Next, even though the senior may be wearing protection, encourage him to use the restroom. This is an important practice to avoid having the senior become dependent on the garment.

If your loved one is more incapacitated and needs help changing the undergarment, do this in the privacy of the bathroom. Avoid facing the senior, and adopt a nonchalant attitude. It has to be done, and you have to do it. Don’t worry; we humans have a remarkable ability to adjust to circumstances, and after a few times, it won’t be so bad. Try to appear casual and relaxed (even if you aren’t), and go to your higher place. Tell yourself that cleaning the senior’s bottom is just another chore, and tell your loved one that it’s no different than cooking a meal or taking care of other details.

Acknowledge the senior’s embarrassment in a kind and loving way. Support the senior and maintain her dignity by not discussing her incontinence with others. (This is a great place to practice a little role reversal. How would you want this handled if the shoe were on the other foot?) Try to keep your sense of humor, and remember that you’ve handled far more unpleasant and challenging situations.