The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

Caregiving is a job that’s too big to do alone, so it’s essential that everyone in the family participate in the caregiving on some level. You don’t have to be alone in this journey, and you shouldn’t be.

Many caregivers have a difficult time asking for help. After all, they are often the kind of people who step in and take charge, and others tend to lean on such people and let them take care of everything. We can tell you from first-hand experience that if you shut yourself off from assistance or you have no idea how to request help, you will end up feeling like a victim. And that is the last place you want to be.

Caregiving for a family member is a family issue, and you need help right from the beginning. In the early stages of caregiving, you may feel as though you can handle it, but as your loved one’s condition worsens, that will change, and having support will become increasingly important. An important part of our work in coaching family caregivers is to establish systems to ensure that the caregiver doesn’t have to do everything by herself.

So how do you do that?

You begin by evaluating the situation, taking what you’ve learned from doctors, The Care Company and any other sources, assessing what is going to be needed to begin and writing it all down. Break down the requirements based on:

• Daily tasks
• Medical appointments
• Social outings
• Bookkeeping and paperwork
• Medical conditions — (How and over what time frame will a given condition progress and what does that mean in terms of increased attention from you and/or doctors?)
• Household chores (include cooking meals)
• Additional financial assistance needed
• Amount of time required on your part

Take the time to do this carefully and thoroughly. Spend time with your list, and be sure that you have covered all the necessary components of the currently required care. Next, imagine how the list might evolve given the condition of the person for whom you are caring. For example, if your loved one has dementia or early Alzheimer’s, his condition will worsen over time. You need to anticipate all that will be required of you as time passes.

Once you have your list completed, it’s time for a family meeting with siblings, children, aunts, uncles and any other family members who can help. Think of it as holding your first meeting to set up your business, because that is essentially what you’re doing. Give a copy of your list to each family helper, and go over the list item by item. After reviewing with them everything that will be involved in caring for the elder, you are going to ask for help. Here’s what you will say:

“Now that you are all aware of the caregiving needs for (insert name of elder), I want you to understand that I cannot do this by myself. I realize you may not all be able to do as much as I can, but each of you can help in some way. I need to set up a schedule that I can depend on. I need to have the following things done: (List them.)”

Then you stop talking and wait for the response. Don’t say anything. Be very clear about the goal of this meeting. You need help and you’re not leaving until you get it. You do not have to be combative, just clear in your mission. Stay calm and maintain your clarity of purpose.

Suppose you have siblings who live out of town or out of state. Often, these family members feel both great relief and guilt that they can’t do anything. But maybe they fly into town often and start telling you all the things you should be doing. At The Care Company, we call such folks “fly-by siblings.” Now that they have a name, they can also have a purpose beyond correcting you. They can help financially, not to compensate you, but to give you enough time off so that you can hire a professional caregiver and get a break. Or they can pay for food to be delivered or any number of other things. You need a break, and they need to help. Some families set up contracts with siblings to ensure that the agreed-upon help arrives in a timely manner. Remember, this is a family issue, and living out of town is no excuse not to help in some way.

If siblings live in town but manage never to be available, you need to be clear about the help you require. We hear all the time that siblings are unavailable, unwilling or, better yet, incapable of doing anything. If that’s what you’re hearing, here’s a truth you need to recognize: you haven’t been clear enough about your boundaries or your needs. You have walked away from conversations angry and feeling like a victim, but have done nothing to change the situation. Time for a change. You simply MUST negotiate with your family members to help you.

What about your spouse? It’s not really your spouse’s responsibility to help with your parents, is it? Yes, of course it is. Again, this is a family issue. Your spouse may not be able to assist with an ill or aging parent, but your spouse can certainly help by doing household chores, cooking, driving children to activities or otherwise sharing the load. Why don’t spouses help? Probably because you have been so good at doing everything by yourself. That’s a recipe for anger, frustration and depression. So slow down and figure out how your spouse can help you.

How can your children help? In numerous ways, depending on their age. We live in a society where, for whatever reason, we are afraid to ask our children to step up to the plate and become a part of the solution. Responsibility is good for children and family responsibility is even better. Spend time with your children, explain exactly what is happening in the family and explain to them that you need their help. Of course, they need to be children, but in families all over the world, children help when grandparents become ill or unable to care for themselves. We are one of the few cultures that remove our children from the equation when it comes to helping with our aging loved ones. You will be amazed at what your children will do if they are asked to be a part of the solution. Don’t omit them; include them.

Every family has its unique internal dynamic and struggles, and no family is without them. But one of the beautiful things that often results from caring for a loved one is that families come together. They stop bickering to serve the greater good. They resolve past issues and agree to work as a team. Sure, there are exceptions, and those families may never get it right. Some individuals are simply too stubborn or set in their ways to move beyond the past. If this is the case, then truthfully, you are going to have to stop wasting your time and move on. Deal only with those family members who can be beneficial, and set the rest of it free.

If you need more assistance with this, visit our Membership page. Sometimes all it takes is a one-on-one consultation to help you find your strength and get clear about your needs.

Let’s Recap:

• Family caregivers often feel alone in their caregiving role.
• Do not set yourself up failure by going it alone.
• This is a family responsibility.
• You must ask for help, but you must first be prepared.
• Get clear about and write down all the caregiving responsibilities.
• Try to determine how much help will be needed in the future.
• Have a family meeting. Everyone must be present.
• Out-of-town siblings have a role to play. Be clear about what you need them to do.
• Ask your spouse for assistance and give clear guidelines. Don’t assume anything.
• Children need responsibility and thrive when it is given to them. Ask them for support and help.