The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

Few subjects bring up more controversy and fear in a family than the conversation about driving. It’s the last bastion of freedom for a senior and thus is seldom met with acceptance that it’s time to put down the keys. It’s a wildly important issue and it can’t be ignored. Taking action can be extremely difficult, but it doesn’t have to be as difficult as we tend to make it.

The fact is, driving is a privilege, not a right granted by the Constitution, and if someone can no longer capably drive safely, he has to stop driving. An elder who is impaired by dementia or any number of possible medical conditions is every bit as dangerous on the road as a drunk driver is.

So how do you know when it’s time to take the keys? As with inspecting the elder’s house for signs that she might need care, there are probably signs everywhere indicating that your senior loved one should not be driving. Some are obvious, others less so.

Check the car. Are there dents or scrapes on it, or scrapes on the fence, the garage door or the mailbox? Check the car’s overall condition. How are the tires? Is there enough oil? What does the interior look like? How is the car parked? If you notice anything unusual about the car, ask what happened? If your loved one looks at you like you’re crazy, then the chances are good that she has no recollection of what happened.

Take a drive with the senior and gauge for yourself. Does she seem disoriented, uncomfortable, nervous or fearful while on the road? Does he appear to be aware of all the traffic, including pedestrians? Does she know where she’s going? Is he moving with the traffic and staying inside the lane, or does he hit the curb when turning the car? Is she having a hard time paying attention to traffic lights or road signs? Is he staying out of the bike lane? Does she react well when an unexpected situations occurs? Does he daydream or become easily distracted? Does she become angry or frightened if other drivers honk? Is the senior able to park within the lines in a lot? Are you comfortable or are you holding to the door for dear life? Would you let your children drive in the car with your loved one?

If you get the wrong answer to any of the above questions, then you need to step in and make a change. Sure, it’s a difficult conversation to have, but the alternative is not anything you want to have to think about. You need to choose your words carefully and with sensitivity, but you must act and act quickly. Losing the ability to drive impacts a person’s independence and dignity. That’s why it’s so important to do your research before having the conversation.

Before you make the push to take away the keys, find alternative methods of transportation – family, friends, local programs, senior transportation services, etc. Often, we avoid having the talk because we fear that it will lead to one more thing falling in our lap. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can make arrangements for transportation that don’t involve you. Often, the cost is minimal. Another idea is to become familiar with businesses in the area who provide pick-up and delivery services. Most accidents happen very close to home.

Recently, I was speaking to a gentleman who told me that his 94-year-old mother was still driving and that it made his siblings and him very nervous because she needs oxygen 24/7, but when she drives she doesn’t use it. Now, to anyone hearing his story, it’s instantly obvious that she shouldn’t be driving. If the woman isn’t using her oxygen, what happens if she becomes light-headed or passes out? If she’s not using her oxygen, then her brain is not operating at full capacity. However, the reason given for not taking the keys away was that the family was afraid to discuss it with her. She is apparently feisty and very independent. I pointed out to him that an accident was not only possible, but likely. Imagine the difficult conversations that would occur – and the guilt you would live with – if the senior injured or killed someone in an accident she caused. Aside from the human suffering, a lawsuit is the last thing your family wants – and there will be one if an accident is caused by a senior should not have been driving.

Driving laws vary from state to state, but because of the influx of new drivers, many states require a written or vision test only every five to ten years – and no driving test! Too many people, not enough time. Consequently, the responsibility falls on you.

Let’s assume that it’s time to take the keys away. You’ve had the conversation, and your loved one becomes belligerent and won’t budge. You’ve presented transportation alternatives, but still no movement. If the senior doesn’t believe that there is a problem, then it’s not going to matter if you speak about your worries, traffic violations resulting in tickets, possible accidents, lawsuits, or even injury.

Sadly, this is where most throw their hands in the air and figure that there is nothing that can be done about this. Not so; you still have options and one of them will work.

If you are getting nowhere, you should seek the assistance of the primary care physician. For whatever reason, seniors listen to doctors. Explain your concerns and be clear about them. (This is assuming you have all your legal documents in place, allowing you even to have the conversation; see the Legal Documents section of The Care Company site.) Don’t sugarcoat it. You need the doctor’s help. Ask the doctor to speak to your loved one. If she remains unmoved, contact her auto insurance company and explain your concerns. Insurance companies do not want to pay for unnecessary accidents. The insurance company can request actual driving, written, and visual tests to determine if the senior can continue to be covered on the current policy. (It’s hard to believe, but this is not part of the insurance process, so you have to reach out and request it.)

You can also contact the DMV and speak to someone about your concerns. They will request a test for the senior and take the license away. If the senior ignores the DMV, even if the license has been pulled (and some do), you are going to have to take action. Take the keys away. Make sure you get all sets of keys in the house. Many seniors keep an extra set hidden in the house. You might have to disable the car so that it won’t start. And if all else fails, you can contact your local police department and inquire about having an officer speak to your loved one about the importance of safe driving and the legal ramifications if something happens.

This may seems callous and unfair, but the reality is, we live in a litigious society and there are plenty of attorneys out there waiting for something to happen. Don’t let your loved drive into trouble. Once the license and the insurance payments are gone, you’ll have extra money to redirect into providing alternative transportation for your loved one.

Action Recap:

• Check the senior’s car for any unusual damage, scrapes or dents.
• Check the interior for unusual messiness.
• Take a drive with your senior and assess any challenges. (See article for specifics.)
• Research alternative means of transportation.
• Become familiar with businesses that offer home delivery service.
• Let go of your fear and have the conversation.
• If you are met with outrage and resistance:
  • Do not ignore the importance of this conversation.
  • Enlist the help of the senior’s primary care physician.
  • Contact the senior’s insurance company.
  • Contact the DMV to request a driving, visual and written test.
• More advanced steps may include literally removing the keys from the house.
• You might have to disable the car.
• If all else fails, contact your local police department for assistance in speaking to your senior loved one.