The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

As a society, we are afraid of end of life issues. And yet, something blessed happens when an elder decides it’s time to let go. They are not letting go of life, only the attachment to people and objects that holds their memories. They come to terms with the peace of holding the memories in their soul. They somehow understand that the fight and struggle is over for them. Once they’ve made the decision to be free of their body and physical challenges that accompany aging, as well as the illness they have to endure, there is no turning back. The journey to “the end” is in their control. We can fight this all we want, but truly, this is in their control.

We’re never ready to let them go. As you travel through the caregiving journey, you may have days, weeks, even months when you think that you are ready. You may think that you wish it would all be over; but I can tell from my years of experience that we are never ready to let them go. We are never prepared for the end. We try to understand the dying process, but it’s bathed in mystery and the mystery is not meant to be seen by those of us who are still living our lives. So what do we do? We experience pain, sadness, fear, anger, a loss of control and feeling of aloneness. Some cargivers even feel resentment.

There is conflict for sure. You have given of yourself, your time, your energy and your resources. You have adjusted your life to care for your loved one. Caregiving has become an integral part of the landscape of your life. You are not ready to say good-bye. In spite of the fact that you have been challenged by this process since day one, and there have been times when you were full of resentment and frustration; deep in your soul, you know that caregiving has been one of the greatest gifts that you have ever received. Your perspective has changed. You’ve learned to live in the moment. You’ve learned to let go of control. You’ve learned about yourself. Slowly and ever so gently, you’ve also learned to become dependent upon your caregiving responsibilities.

Over the years I have helped many caregivers recover from the trauma of losing a loved one, or as they usually tell me, “the real purpose in my life.” They tell me that even though being a caregiver was a huge challenge, without it, they have no purpose. This is the caregiver dilemma.

I frequently stress that you must work on the spiritual component of your life, (whatever that means to you). Having peace within yourself, faith that the process will be guided, and comfort in the knowledge that you have served as “an angel” for another human being, brings a sense of calm to the dying process that others who are lacking in their spirituality never find. Analyzing and intellectualizing death is not going to work. We want to understand the process in the same ways that we have come to manage our lives, but end of life is not meant to be understood. We must let the journey work in its own mysterious way. Can you do that? Can you set it free? Can you be there and love and support the person for whom you are caring? If you can answer ‘yes’ to these questions, you will find a peacefulness that you may never have experienced before.

Knowing It’s Coming

Just like the need for care leaves signs, death often does the same thing. Each individual experiences death in his/her own way, however, if you are acutely tuned in, then you will recognize the signs. Our elders leave clues. It’s awareness on our part that makes the scarcity of the remaining time a reality. Pay attention to how your loved one begins the detachment process. Watch as “good-byes” are said. Listen to the change in the tenor of the good-bye. Feel it. Listen for the nuance. Often they will hold onto someone’s hand a little longer or there will be a gentle holding of someone’s face – usually it’s subtle, but something very much out of the ordinary.

It is possible that your loved one might express a desire to attain a final goal – something completely unexpected. It could be making it to an event, reaching another birthday, making a trip to see an old friend, or attending a grandchild’s graduation or wedding. Do everything in your power to make this goal a reality. When we have a goal to reach, we work hard to make it happen. Seniors are the same. Once the goal is achieved, it might be their time. What can you do to make the goal happen?

Sometimes they will want to start giving away their “things.” They might start placing names on objects that they think would have meaning to a loved one – photographs, jewelry, trinkets, letters and even clothing. I encourage you to make this process easy and go along with your loved one’s agenda. Do not question their motives. This is their way of letting go, lifting boundaries and freeing up space for their end of life journey. Allow this to happen, and just know that subconsciously they are getting ready to walk a new path.

This is your clue to begin the process of letting go as well. There is no doubt that this will be a turning point in your life. Our culture is not very good with end of life processes. We run as far away as fast as possible. But this is your opportunity to create the most beautiful transition for both your loved one and you. This is your opportunity to re-evaluate your caregiver role. Spend time with your loved one reminiscing about special memories. Take time to be together – really be together and feel the human connection. There are so many things you can do to capture important memories. One thing I tell people to always do is get a tape recorder and ask your loved one to record a message to each person in the family. Tell your loved one that you want to give the recorded message as a gift to each person in the family. There is something about being able to listen to your loved one’s voice after they have departed that helps fill the void. This has the potential to be a long-lasting soulful gift.

Some elders withdraw, turn inward and become uncommunicative. They might stop watching television or movies. They might want to spend most of their time in bed. Some will stop interacting with others, even loved ones and communication becomes an impossibility. They may refuse food altogether. Do not become alarmed. There is powerful work at play here. They are not withdrawing from you to hurt you. They are on this journey alone with help from the Universe. If you aren’t a part of the inner circle, that’s okay. Do not take this personally. They have important work to do and it may or may not involve your help.

What You Can Do

Spend time in the quiet and value each and every moment. Saying good-bye is a very important part of the process. You do, however, have to be careful about how you say good-bye. The best way to say good-bye is tell someone how much you love, value and honor his or her role in your life. Talk about your feelings. Speak quietly and peacefully. You can’t fix this or change it. This process for you is about surrender. You can give the gift of comfort, being present and reassure your loved one that you will not abandon him/her. It is okay to cry when you speak of your love. In a way, it gives them permission to cry as well.

It is possible that your loved one may need help in transitioning to the other side. For whatever reason, the person clings to life and struggles and fights the outcome. You may have to help the process along. (I did.) I had no idea what I needed to say to help my former father-in-law when he was about to die. I prayed for strength. I asked for help. I asked for guided words and in a moment they came. He needed to know that his granddaughters and I would be okay. He needed to know that I would be there for them. He needed reassurance that his life was valid and important, and when I told him those words, he leaned forward, pressed his forehead against mine – left it there for a minute and asked to go to bed. He was gone within minutes. You must say the words they need to hear. You will know when the time comes.

I can tell you that my moments in the end with my former father-in-law were some of the most magical I have ever experienced. Short of giving birth to my daughter, this ranks right up there as a life-changing event. I became acutely sensitive to what was happening and I knew, because his eyes told me that he was grateful. My dad also began letting go before he ever passed away. He was never one to say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you,’ but when I came to visit him towards the end of his life, he looked at me with soulful eyes and said, “I love you, and thank you for all you do for me.” You don’t know my father, but these were powerful words for him to share with me. He was getting ready to let go.

There are other things you can do to create a peaceful and nurturing environment for your loved one. Keep the lighting soft or instead, burn candles. Play favorite music. Give hugs. (Remember that the elderly seldom get touched and touch is critical for the human connection.) Whatever you do, remember that this is their journey, and it will be done in their time. You need to prepare yourself for the emptiness once they are gone.

I am not a bereavement specialist, but I have experienced this within my own family and with many of my clients. There are those families who make the final walk in life the most beautiful, touching and remarkable experience for their loved one, their family and ultimately for themselves. I have also seen families at each other’s throats – playing the blame game and running away from the inevitable. Clearly those who make this a special time, will find that dealing with the emotions that follow will be much easier. They have no guilt. They have no anger. They have no hidden agenda, which robs them of their memories. They emerge in the light because love has guided their course.