The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

It’s a different experience for each caregiver. When the person for whom you are caring, transitions from this life, many caregivers feel as though their life has come to an end as well. Even if you have had time to prepare for the end of another person’s life, your life is greatly affected by the absence of daily caregiving events and activities.

In the beginning of the caregiving process, you had to adjust your life, career and social activities to make time for another. Take a moment and recall back to the initial stages of what you experienced when you first became a caregiver, and understand that even though you are now in a different place, the same feelings will re-surface for you. It’s an interesting thing about change. Change is constant, but we human beings are hard-wired to fight change like crazy. Generally speaking, it’s not the change that’s so difficult, it’s our inability to adapt to the change, and often we lose ourselves in the process.

When caregiving ends there is a natural feeling of loss. On two different fronts you are forced to accept the reality of losing your purpose or role as a caregiver, while suffering the loss of losing a loved one. For many family caregivers and even professional caregivers, the aftermath can be extremely difficult, leaving you feeling lost, lonely, sad and even, useless. The future seems murky and you’re not sure where to turn or how to manage your own life. Do you remember when you turned the corner of being an overwhelmed caregiver and you became physically stronger and mentally clearer about your role, and the whole process just seemed easier? Do you remember when you were able to find your internal strength? You need to find it again.

The first step is to allow yourself to feel the loss. There is loss on many different levels. You may feel relief that the person for whom you have been caring is no longer suffering, but the sadness of missing the person is ever-present. There is also the loss of a huge part of your life. You may feel anger, resentment, and regret (for the things not said or resolved). And you may very well feel guilt. Guilt because you couldn’t do more. Guilt because you couldn’t fix what was wrong. Guilt is a powerful feeling and I encourage you try and not go down that road. The truth is that you did everything you could and you need to rejoice in knowing that you served a valuable purpose in someone’s life. Listen to your soul and honor the feelings that you are experiencing. Above all else, do not stuff them and pretend that you are fine. The healing process depends on your ability to allow yourself to feel – feel everything and with gusto. Above all else, be kind to yourself.

Time will help you heal. As you slowly move forward, day-to-day living becomes easier. Share your feelings with family members and friends. Consider attending a bereavement support group. (Check your local area to find one.) Bereavement support groups provide a safe place for you to share your fears, sadness and ambivalence about life. If your sadness and depression is extreme, seek the help of a professional. Often the future looks bleak. It’s an empty canvas and you have choices to make. This is your time. If you’re not ready to go back to work, try engaging in activities that you were not able to do during the caregiving years. Consider volunteering for an organization that once helped you.

I am a big believer in journaling about all things in life, but especially about your caregiving experience. When you start journaling you will see that the caregiver journey has enriched your life in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine. Reach deep inside yourself and let the feelings move through you. Putting pen to paper without a filter is so beneficial for your soul.  Allow yourself small indulgences.

The aftermath of caregiving is another journey. You don’t have to have all the answers. Take a breather from life. Consider a vacation – a quiet vacation that allows you time to reflect. When my caregiving journey ended and the dust had settled, I was left with all these emotions to manage and a life without clear direction; I went away by myself for a few days. I walked the beach. I read books. I wrote. I slept. I cried. I prayed. I let it all pour over me and when I returned home I felt alive again. This is not to say that I didn’t have days of sadness or shear terror about the future, but I felt alive. I was ready for the next step. Sometimes it just feels good to know that you are more resilient than you thought and that you are not alone.

You will benefit greatly if you give yourself permission to just feel the emotion; experience the pain; feel the relief; ask for support; and allow yourself to find your way. Some days it will feel easy and light, and others it will feel like you’re climbing a mountain. Try to remember that this is your time. I believe that your caregiver journey has proven that you can take on just about anything. New beginnings await you. Discover the joy of reinventing your life.

Let’s recap some of the things you can do to get through this very challenging period in your life:

• Be kind to yourself
• Allow yourself to cry and feel the emotion
• Don’t expect to be fine
• Consider attending a support group (Check your local area)
• Take each day slowly
• Nap
• Rest
• Focus on your body (Chances are good you’ve been ignoring your well being.)
• Journal each day and see what shows up for you
• Consider taking a vacation by yourself to put your life together again