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Our journeys begin with our stories and our stories create the landscape of our lives. Join us as we share our personal stories with you, and become a part of the conversation by sharing your challenges and insights with others.

The Joy of Dolly Parton!

Posted July 26th, 2011 by claverty

This past Saturday I had the amazing pleasure and joy of attending Dolly Parton’s debut performance at The Hollywood Bowl! It was a perfect summer evening in Los Angeles…the Bowl was abuzz…the company was great….and everyone was excited for the long-awaited, much-anticipated Dolly concert! At 8:30pm sharp she appeared on stage singing “Walking on Sunshine” and indeed, she does walk on sunshine! She is an absolute breath of freshness and light radiates from her. Just to be clear – Dolly Parton is 65 years young! She looks incredible! Her voice is still like that of a sweet angel and she is bubbly and full of life. She is an inspiration and she should be the poster child for life after 60. I suppose she gets a senior citizen discount, but she definitely has the energy and passion for life of a 20-something.

Now why am I writing about Dolly Parton? As we age, it is often common to lose the zest for life we once had. It’s easy to get caught up in the whole, “I’m getting older mentality,” and buy into the notion that somehow, magically at a certain age, your body starts falling apart….you become forgetful….weight gain is now your friend and you should just accept it as such and society is finished with you. There’s that whole energy to buy in to, or there’s the person who says, “Nope…not me…I’m living life!” And this is Dolly Parton. Taking a lesson from her storybook is not difficult. Yes, she’s very successful, but that’s not what makes her so radiant. So what is it? It’s her roots. It’s her history. It’s the fact that she came from nothing and found light and joy in each day. She took adversity and turned it into something we can all share. She created her own outcome. Dolly Parton is loved around the world, because she’s the real deal.

This is your journey…this is your life. What do you want that to look like? There are simple things you can do to change your attitude about aging…really simple things.

Delete all emails that joke about getting older or that make fun of old age!
Spend time doing something you love! Really love – who cares how crazy it is!
Be inspired by your own story and record it for your family.
Write your own story. So many families are left with just photos. Hearing your voice is a magical gift especially it’s accompanied by your writings. Put your thoughts and experiences on paper. Treat yourself to a beautiful journal.
Volunteer. Being of service to others brings joy to our soul.
If you’re retired, make yourself valuable to your community.
If you’re still working, make yourself heard. You have wisdom and that has value.
Take vitamins. Take fish oil. Take whatever supplements you can to keep yourself healthy. Your body will love you.
Do some sort of exercise.
Rescue an animal if you can.
Spend time with your family or a friend’s family. Don’t spend all of your time alone.
Don’t believe everything you read about getting older. It’s just not true.

Be the best you can be. Be present each and every day. Savor your life…and you, too, can be “Walking on Sunshine!”

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A Daughter’s Love

Posted July 21st, 2011 by claverty

One of the greatest joys in my life is interacting with people who are involved with The Care Company community. I love receiving emails and feedback. Sometimes someone needs a little help. Sometimes someone needs A LOT of help and sometimes someone wants to share a story. This story crossed my desk today and I thought it was special. It’s also a great lesson about how careful we must be when dealing with our aging loved ones and understanding their spirit. When you read this story, you will quickly understand that Maggie’s daughters did everything they could for her. The challenge is when the medical team does not work with the family to make decisions. Things happen and usually pretty quickly. There is little time to act. Often we can only react. I encourage each person who reads this story to go deeper with your loved ones. Take the time to know EXACTLY what their wishes are, share those wishes in writing with the people who are caring for your loved one. It’s uncomfortable, for sure, but it helps alleviate the guilt. In the spirit of privacy, I’m withholding the last name of the woman who submitted Maggie’s story. I thank her for having the courage to reach out and share it with others.

Maggie’s Story

Maggie loved cruising in her RV truck on the Alaskan Highway, from Canada to Anchorage, Alaska.

At age 77, Maggie was a mother of 6 children, a grandmother, and great grandmother. She had buried her husband, Leo, a U.S. Navy veteran in Riverside Veteran’s Cemetery 24 years ago. She was a European traveler, backpacker and hiker. Maggie was a free-spirited, independent, open-road adventurer.

A daughter relates to her mother emotionally as a child, “My mother will never die.” Maggie came down the rushing river of the end of her spirited life swiftly.

Maggie fell on the sidewalk outside of her $2,000 a month “assisted living apartment.” The gardener had to help her up. Maggie had osteoporosis, macular degeneration, and dementia. Who was watching out for her care and safety at that place? My sister, Kathleen, was her caregiver. She had to now place our mother in a nursing home. Stress, grief, guilt were the result of this move.

Maggie was mad as a wet hen! Her freedom and independence in life was over. She tried to escape from the nursing home by climbing out the window. She was angry at her captors, the nursing staff. So what did the nurses do, they informed her doctor of her behavior. The doctor’s solution? Prescribe the sedative drug, Thioridazine. This behavior suppressive drug extinguished the light from Maggie’s fighting spirit, and she lost her will to live. She just sat in a chair staring into space out the window where her spirit and will to live floated right out that window. That’s okay, Mom. At that point I believe she embraced and reclaimed her right to her own decision and will of her dignity in the last days of her life.

Early one morning, my sister, Eileen, had breakfast with Mom. As Eileen left, my mother waved goodbye to Eileen and told her, “I love you”, and then also told Eileen that she wanted to go be with her husband, Leo, now. My mother died that night.

You see, no drugs, no doctors, no nursing home was going to inhibit my mother’s free will and spirit. The power of the human spirit can overcome the boundaries of this physical planet. I’ll walk into the ocean. I miss you, Mom. Are there RV’s in heaven?

Your loving daughter, Nanette.

In Memory of Carolyn Helen Martin Toomey

August 29, 1928 – September 6, 2005

Rest in peace, my beloved Mother, Maggie

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Caring for the Caregiver

Posted July 20th, 2011 by claverty

Caregiving is an important and stressful job. We enter it from an emotionally fragile place. Our fears become real. Our uncertainty about what to do cannot be ignored, but in order to survive this life stage, a well thought-out plan is essential. Like any successful enterprise, having an understanding of what you are about to enter into will help you accept your new role and give you a roadmap for coping. Caregiving is a gradual process. The signs are different for each individual, but they are definitely present. I encourage each caregiver to be pragmatic. How do you do that? You must take yourself to the place of a distant observer, where you can view the situation from an unemotional, well thought-out, objective place. By standing back and removing yourself temporarily from the center of the “storm”, you will gain perspective and this will go miles in helping you create a plan.

As a caregiver, it is natural for you to be tempted to try and do everything for your loved one. Depending on the condition of your loved one’s health, you may find yourself having to do many things they previously did for themselves, such as personal grooming, driving to appointments or day-to-day household duties. It is responsibilities such as these that have the potential to cause undue stress. Even if the person is greatly dependent upon you for their care, you will find that you are better able to maintain your own mental and physical health, and the dignity of the person for whom you are caring, if your roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. This is not the time to be shy about your needs. It is the key to your survival, and you must clarify your role through open communication. Unless your loved one is mentally incapacitated, you must talk about their wants and needs, and be sure to make yours clear as well. Discuss today’s necessities, but plan for the future. In time, you may find yourself with increased responsibilities such as, medical, home maintenance, legal and financial matters. Make certain that you not only understand what your fiduciary boundaries are, but to whom you can refer to for other important decisions when the time comes.

It cannot be stressed enough that in order to survive the caregiving process and avoid total burnout, you must set up systems to help you. You do not have to do this alone. Help is available and the time you take to understand where it is and how to access it is crucial to your survival. I share all my tips for Self Care in the E-book on The Care Company. It’s an easy read, but I’ve been told it’s very helpful.

Surviving Caregiver Burnout

Caregiver burnout is a real condition and nothing to be taken lightly. I am constantly astounded at how many caregivers just blow it off and tell me that “it’s just not that big of a deal.” It is a BIG DEAL! and a dangerous one at that. It is described as “a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned.” Burnout can occur for any number of reasons, but usually because the caregiver is doing more than they are able, either physically or financially, (or both). Do you have any of these symptoms?

Social withdrawal from friends, family and loved ones.
Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed.
A constant feeling of hopelessness or irritability and helplessness.
Changes in weight
Sleeplessness coupled with complete emotional and physical exhaustion.
Frequent illness

What Can Be Done?

You must have a support system in place.
Set realistic goals and turn to others for relief with certain tasks.
Be realistic about the illness you are confronted with. Your role is not to heal, but to help make life manageable for your loved one.
Set aside time for yourself. This is not a luxury, but a necessity.
Talk to a professional if you feel your life is spinning out of control. You can’t afford not to.
Look into respite care services.
Educate yourself. Take the time to research and learn.
Do the basics. Eat right. Exercise. Get plenty of rest. (Know when it’s okay to turn off the phone and be quiet.)
Pamper yourself. Take a bath; a long shower; spend time in nature; tap into your own spirituality and ask for help.
Accept your feelings of frustration and anger as normal.
Make time for activities you enjoy.
Caregiving is rewarding, but there will be times when you will also feel anger, sadness, frustration and grief. Try not to judge your feelings. They are neither good nor bad, but rather a normal part of being human.

Caregiving is hard work, filled with numerous demands. Sadly, many caregivers lose perspective about the importance of their role and feel guilty if they spend time on themselves. You cannot care for another person if you do not care for yourself. You must be kind to yourself and embrace the idea that your role as a caregiver is vital to our society. You are engaged in the ultimate service – giving of yourself to another person. Honor your role and honor yourself.

If you find that you are really struggling emotionally or physically, make an investment in yourself. Go to a spa. Spend the day with friend. Take a quiet getaway. Get some personal help. Are you worth it? Do you think you are? Or do you feel guilty if you take time for you. If you answered yes to that, then you need to change your thinking and your focus. The Care Company offers numerous ways to find and get help. Will you do it?

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Can’t vs. Won’t – What’s the Difference?

Posted July 14th, 2011 by claverty

The struggles that someone has with caregiving for the most part, are not the actual act of doing the “hard, uncomfortable” stuff. The problem is that the person who is providing the care has forgotten, or possibly never learned how to set personal boundaries. When I’m mentoring someone, I often hear, “I can’t do that.” Now it’s possible that “can’t” is the real issue, but usually when we get right down to it, most people CAN. Truthfully, if you think for a minute…you can do almost anything. What the caregiver is really saying is, “I won’t do that!” There is a huge difference between can’t and won’t, and the struggle is to get clear about where you draw the line…what you simply won’t do. And what you won’t do; is OK. You don’t have to do everything and you shouldn’t.

But let’s get really clear about resolving this issue and the reason why it plagues so many caregivers. Most of us are taught as young children to fit in a box. Most of us are taught to respect our elders and always do right by them. Most of us are taught to honor thy mother and father. And most of us are taught to be “good little girls and boys.” Right? I’m not making this up. And there’s nothing wrong with these messages, except they become imprinted in our brains. What’s wrong is that most of us were never taught how to set boundaries; how to determine what is right for us; and what simply doesn’t work. The evolutionary process of becoming a full human being with clear values and a process to discover why we feel the way we do about certain things, is not something we’re taught – at home or at school. It is up to us to get clarity around this subject.

We tend to travel through life and make it work. We follow directions. We fit in. We do the right thing. We don’t stray too far off the path, until something happens and our world is rocked. Such a thing often happens with caregiving. I know of no one who is fully prepared for the caregiving journey, especially when it involves caring for our parents. So what do you do?

I’ve said before and I’m going to keep saying it. You have to KNOW what you can and won’t do. You have to be clear about this. The other dayI received a call from one of my caregivers whom I mentor. Her mother has 5^th stage Alzheimer’s and recently she has been in rapid decline. As shocking as this is for her daughter to witness, she is totally educated about the disease, understands as much as anyone I know about it, and is able to deal with deterioration of her mother. However, her mother is married and her husband continues to take her out in public where she becomes frightened and acts out. Her mother’s dignity is in question and her daughter is extremely upset and rightfully so. For some reason the husband won’t get 24-hour care for her mother, even though there are funds available. The other night my client was taking care of her mother while her step-father had a small meeting at his home. She had to remove her mother from the home, (the only place she’s really comfortable) and care for her. So far, so good, until she realized that her mother is no longer able to go to the bathroom without assistance and major assistance. She is simply unable to do this without someone attending to her every need.

This was the breaking point for her daughter. Struggles ensued and both mother and daughter were in a battle. The daughter called me at 9 pm – crying. She simply didn’t know what to do and she kept saying, “I can’t do this anymore without help. But my step-father won’t get any help. What am I supposed to do?”

We talked for a while and mostly I listened to her language, to her frustration, but mainly to her personal fear of saying, “NO” to her mother and setting her own boundaries. After several minutes of listening, I told her that she was fully capable of assisting her mother with toileting issues, but that was not the problem. She was simply not going to do it for a whole host of rational, clear reasons. She knew her “why;” what she needed to figure out was how to say it and then follow through. Herein lies the greatest challenge for caregivers. Putting oneself at the top of the pyramid requires courage especially when you have never put yourself first. There are reasons why we are afraid to do this – why some people are paralyzed at the thought of saying, “no” or “I will no longer do…. (Fill in your own blank.) Many of us have been taught that self care is:

Selfish
Egotistical
Bad
Uncaring
Self-absorbed
Unnecessary, and any number of negative adjectives.

The truth is that none of this is true. The truth is that caring for you is smart. Caring for you creates a happier person. Caring for you creates balance. Caring for you says to the world, “I matter.” There is NOTHING wrong with being clear about the fact that you matter. Remember we’re talking about self care vs. selfish care. There is a big difference.

If you are feeling challenged by the need for Self Care, we have a helpful Ebook, which will validate for you all the reasons why self care matters. We become empowered when we let down the walls, feel the fear, move through it and gain clarity.

Let me know your thoughts on this subject. Share your story of how you struggle with this or better yet, how you’ve figured it out.

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