All my life I wanted to be in the spotlight. I used to dance around my bedroom in extravagant outfits that I created when I was a young girl. I sang at the top of my lungs into a comb, which I used as a microphone, and I even went so far as to pretend that I won an Academy Award. Truthfully, I have fond memories of entertaining myself for hours on end pretending. I remember when I went to high school I was thrilled because I could now participate in drama class! Heaven for me! When I went to college I never really felt happy there. During my freshman year, I came home for Thanksgiving and told my father my feelings about college and asked him if I could leave my university and attend acting school in New York. Big mistake on my part. Not only was I told that couldn’t go, but I was also told that if I went, he would disown me, and that our relationship would be over! Pretty, harsh, don’t you think? I’m not sure if he meant it or not, but I believed him and did not go to New York. He also told me to get my degree in education. So I went back to my university, fit in and became an elementary school teacher. And upon graduation, I became a teacher. I loved teaching and turned it into my stage, which I think is why I was a good teacher…but I never had the chance to fulfill my dream.
I taught school; got married; gave birth to my wonderful daughter; stopped teaching; got a divorce; floundered around in a lot of different jobs; raised my daughter; went through my parent’s divorce after 40 years of marriage; got married to my husband; had more different jobs…but never quite found that passion again. I was just getting by when it came to my work. I had always heard that your work should be your passion or it’s just that…WORK! And then it all changed.
In 2003 my ex-husband’s father asked me if I would pay his bills and check on his wife when he had open-heart surgery at the age of 83. Yep…my ex father-in-law, 18 years after my divorce from his son. If you want to read about that, I’ve posted in past blogs where I share the whole story. Suddenly I was a caregiver for someone other than my own parents. It was to be my metamorphosis…my personal journey…a journey which lead me to my life today.
About three years into caring for my former father-in-law, it became crystal clear to me that millions of people were floundering around as family caregivers. The thing is that no one really knows what to do and yet, I knew that people needed help. Thus, the founding of The Care Company. And once I started The Care Company, somehow I ended up hosting my own radio show. (The details of how that happened don’t really matter.) Just know that for the last 2 ½ years I have been on the radio each week talking about CARE – how we care for ourselves so we can better care for each other. I love my show and because of the subject I have met some amazing people who share their inspirational stories with my listeners each week.
So it would seem that life was pretty good for me. I had a new business. I was on the radio. I was speaking at events and I even wrote a book. But something was still missing. My dad never once asked me about my life, my book and book signings, my public appearances, nor did he ever listen to my radio show. In fact, I once invited him to be a guest on my show when the subject was WWII Veterans and he refused my offer. I pretended like it didn’t matter. I pretended that I didn’t care. He was married again and was not in very good health, and I just chalked it up to “the way it was.” And then one day, almost a year after he passed away the floodgates opened for me.
You see, my dad was one of those men who was somehow bigger than life, not just to me, but also to a lot of people. He was charismatic and he loved being the center of attention and during his career, that’s exactly what he was. He liked it when the world revolved around him. But after his retirement, his life radically changed and he was no longer in the limelight. He was a legend in his industry, for sure, but he was out of the picture and his own persona began to fade. I was on the phone with my business coach the other day, and we were talking about how I’m sometimes uncomfortable with getting attention or standing in my own “light.” We were talking about whether I was really ready to step out and UP! And I was hemming and hawing around about my answer and then a realization occurred. I have always stayed in the shadows. I was never encouraged to live my dream…to find my purpose and to live my passion. And suddenly it all made sense. So I’ve spent this last week reflecting on what this means to someone’s life.
I cared for my dad at the end of his life and I have quietly forgiven him for mistakes he made. I know he was doing the best he could. But this week, I’ve had to forgive myself for believing that my dreams didn’t matter and that I wasn’t good enough, or that I didn’t have the right to stand in my own space and share my story or my gift with the rest of the world.
You may be reading this and wondering what in the world this has to do with caregiving? Well, everything really. If you are caring for an aging loved one and you have history that you bring with you; or you harbor resentment or sorrows from your past; or you have disappointments along the way (and who doesn’t?), then it’s going to cloud your time with your loved one. I would encourage you to either talk about it if you can or set it free and forgive yourself for believing what you were told as a child. I have always shared with my clients that you need to forgive your parents. But the truth is that that’s just a small piece of the puzzle. You MUST forgive yourself and suddenly you feel free: free from all the junk that you’ve been telling yourself and ultimately believing.
And if we are to believe that we are caregivers for our spouse or partner and for our children, then we have obligation to encourage our closest loved ones to live their dreams; to follow their passion; to believe in themselves and to ultimately soar! And reassure this person that you will always be there waiting without judgment with open arms.
This was a tough post to write. Thanks for bearing with me.
I’d love to hear your comments.
