Months passed and months rapidly turned into a year. I still can’t believe I cared for my ex in-laws. At the time, it felt perfectly normal, but as I write this, it seems surreal. Bob made a miraculous recovery from the stroke and although he had medical issue after medical issue, we were able to resume social activities and even made a trip to Washington DC and Virginia to visit my daughter, his “butterfly” at college. It always felt like an act of God to make these trips happen, but we did it and he had the gift of wonderful memories to think about.

There is no easy way to be a caregiver. The most important thing I had to learn during this six-year journey was how to care for myself. I never really learned how to do this. I was a people pleaser; a woman who seldom said “no.” I just went along, which seems to be the way most of us live our lives. I have an acquaintance whose answer when asked how she is, is always, “I’m just going along.”  Today, this seems like a sad response to life. I was forced to discover myself and that required me to do the hard work; the work I had avoided my entire life. When we don’t know how to set boundaries; when we feel paralyzed at the thought of saying “no;” or when we just get caught up in the day-to-day and forget to place ourselves at the top of the pyramid; we get lost and then we are just going along. Life’s challenges and especially the caregiving journey, offer us remarkable ways to learn to engage in self care. Much of The Care Company website is devote to this subject, because it matters; because you matter; and because once you learn the importance of this internal act of kindness, your life will never be the same.

How do you care for yourself? Please post your comments and thoughts below.

Being unable to sleep, even though I was emotionally and physically exhausted, resulted in my developing a very bad attitude. I was unable to care for my own family and my personal responsibilities. I was late paying bills. There was no food in my refrigerator. I had stopped my usual healthy eating and exercise…it felt like that was a thing of the past, and my family was suffering. I thought I should be able to do this by myself. I thought I should be able to handle it all. My life was spinning out of control. When I was alone, I cried and when I was with others, I felt detached, even though my responsibilities required me to be fully engaged. Somehow I was able to fake it. But you can’t fake it for very long. I was heading into Caregiver Burnout and I had no idea it was about to happen. I thought there was something really wrong with me that I was struggling this much. Denial is one of the first signs of burnout. Sadly, so many caregivers ignore the signs and then you’re headed into real trouble. (Future entries will focus on Caregiver Burnout in detail, because once you get this under control, life becomes doable.)

I am certain that a large of part of my struggles were also rooted in the fact that these were not my parents. There was a whole weird dynamic circling around the fact that these were my ex in-laws and I was being asked to make life and death decisions for them. I understood that I was trusted. I understood that I was chosen, but nonetheless, the dynamic within the family was extremely strained. In spite of this, I am a person of my word, and I kept moving forward, but I was really struggling with finding any kind of balance in my life. Within a matter of months I had completely forgotten to take care of myself, but the truth is when I write about this, I realize that I never knew how to REALLY take care of me. Somehow that was reserved for selfish people – people who didn’t know how to put others first. I had spent my entire life putting others ahead of me. I was very good at juggling all the responsibilities I had, but when new responsibilities were added, I had no reserves. I had no clue. I had nothing left to survive, let alone thrive. And my family had no idea what to do with me.

I was helped by one of Bob’s very perceptive doctors. He requested a meeting with me and we talked openly and frankly about Bob’s condition, how I was feeling and how my life was unmanageable. The quest to become a thriving Empowered Caregiver had begun. The process was underway, but I was about to experience some very painful and real personal issues. Can you relate to any of this? Does this feel too close to what you are experiencing? If your answer is “yes,” then The Care Company is just the place for you. Together, I’m going to teach you how to become Empowered, not just in your caregiving duties, but in all areas of your life.

I invite you to sign up for our free Ezine and receive concrete information about turning this large vessel around and getting your life back. Won’t you join me?

When someone leaves ICU, I always figured that the person was on the mend. Indeed, Bob was getting better, but certainly not great. The stay on the Critical Care floor now involved all types of other medical problems…fluid in the lungs, which needed to be drained regularly, (a very painful procedure), sundowner’s – when you get your days and nights mixed up, a lot of pain, swallowing issues and once we got these things under control, he suffered a stroke! But the hospital sent him home the same day he suffered a stroke because no one noticed except for me! I’m not lying here. I’m not making this up! We got him home and the same night he was back in the hospital. It was in the ER that I finally got someone’s attention. He was once again readmitted to a room on the critical care floor. The medical team got him stabilized and then he had to move to a rehab facility at UCLA Medical Center. The hospital he was accustomed to did not have stroke rehab; so we had to move.

Moving an elderly person to a completely foreign place is not easy on anyone. It didn’t matter to him that he was well cared for and safe. He wanted to be home and couldn’t understand why he had to be in this “horrible place,” as he called it. So much of the journey in caregiving is figuring out ways to manage the emotional roller-coaster ride. The truth is, no matter how many times a day you come to visit; no matter how many “treats” you bring; no matter how comfortable you make someone; if that person isn’t happy, then nothing matters. The key is to keep your cool; not take anything personally and do the best you can to be an advocate. Be present and make your presence known to the medical staff.

If you recall, my original charge was to simply pay bills and check on his wife. This proved to be a bit more complicated than I originally anticipated. She suffered from severe dementia and debilitating arthritis. She had caregivers who lived in the house, but they weren’t taking care of her. They refused to administer her calming medications, because they didn’t like the way it made her act. (Important to note: When someone begins taking anti-psych drugs, there is a dramatic effect on that person’s behavior and personality until the brain adjusts and evens itself out. That’s the easiest way to describe it.) Her caregivers bathed her once every 6 weeks! She had open sores all over her body from the lack of cleanliness. She was literally living like an animal. The house was filthy and in total disrepair and I had to spend days at the hospital with Bob, while also trying to clean up the mess at his residence and find the right people to take care of his wife! What had happened to my life? Truthfully, it was spinning out of control. I was an emotional mess. I looked like a physical mess and I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. Can you relate? I’ll share more of my story tomorrow. Follow the story and let me know if you can relate to any of this.