The Care Company

empowered caregiving™

Caregiving often creeps up on us when we least expect it. As women and mothers, we are busy living our lives; working our careers, caring for our children, our spouses or partners and trying to find a few minutes each day to care for ourselves. Sadly, many women have forgotten the need for self care and yet, this is the single most important element of life that women need to be in touch with. Today’s working woman yearns for some down time – time alone or time spent with friends. Our world is wrought with stress and busyness.  How do we survive and live a life of richness, generosity of spirit and internal peace? Sometimes it takes an avalanche for us to find these answers.

My story was a bit different than most, but my struggles were universal. I cared for my ex father-in-law (yes, my ex-husband’s father) for almost six years and I was wholly unprepared for the journey that lay ahead. I was one of those people literally thrown into a situation I knew nothing about. I was asked by my ex father-in-law, (with whom I had a close relationship), one night at dinner to pay his bills and check on his wife (who suffered from severe arthritis and dementia) while he had open-heart surgery at the age of 83. His reason for having such invasive and risky surgery was so he could see his granddaughter (my daughter, whom he called “the butterfly”) graduate from college and, as he said to me, “Without this operation, I won’t make it.”

You can imagine the effect of such a statement. I agreed without giving it any further thought, never imagining the impact this would have on my life. I naively thought this promise to help out would be a minor investment of my time. My fulltime career, although not personally fulfilling, was nonetheless, very fulltime. My daughter was heading off to college, three thousand miles away and she needed her mom. My husband needed a partner, a best friend, and truthfully, neither of us understood the powerful changes that were about to become our lives.

But I said, “yes,” and therefore, I had a responsibility. My ex father-in-law and I needed to get prepared and we had only a couple of months to do this. I was intelligent enough to know that we needed proper legal documentation in place.

The fourteen-hour operation was only the beginning of what became the most fascinating education of my life. I knew nothing of the geriatric world or the needs of those living in it. I learned quickly about hospitals, doctors, nurses, protocols, bureaucracy, insurance forms, Medicare, prescription drugs, and how to manage them. I learned how easy it is to get lost in this system and, consequently, I spent a good portion of the first year with my personal life spinning out of control.

My agreement to pay bills and check on his wife quickly turned into a full-time obligation. She was suffering from severe dementia and her caregivers were not properly caring for her. The key to keeping her in a peaceful, unagitated state was the proper administration of her mediations, which required special attention. The house was in disrepair. The bills needed attention. Past due bills needed immediate attention. Visits to the hospital were daily; morning and early evening, with emergencies added to the mix. After a few weeks I managed to create a schedule that worked for everyone, with the exception of me.

Then, it happened. The doctors had warned that it might and it did. A stroke. Not a major, life-threatening stroke, but a debilitating stroke, nonetheless. Everything changed and his recovery would be all the more difficult. He was moved to a new hospital where no one knew him, and everything was unfamiliar. He would have to rehabilitate in a new facility. Depression for him slowly set in as he worked to improve his functionality, while knowing that the activities he once participated in were no longer a part of his life. After a month of rehab, he returned home.

My responsibility didn’t stop here. There were numerous medical issues to deal with: insomnia, depression, seizures, weakness, incontinence, functionality, balance, and the overall day-to-day challenges that the elderly experience when life begins to take its toll on the body. Clearly, my role was not going to be temporary. If anyone had told me many years ago that I’d be a caregiver for my ex-father-in-law, I would have thought you were crazy. But this became my life. I didn’t have time to think about the consequences of this change for me; I had work to do and I wasn’t going to let him down. I was on call 24/7, 365 days a year. I visited him daily. When I wasn’t there, he called me numerous times a day with some of the most outrageous requests. I stopped sleeping. I couldn’t eat. I never saw my family, let alone my friends. I was losing myself and even though, friends and family were concerned, no one said anything, because when you are caregiver, most people think this is how your life is supposed to be.

Slowly and deliberately I began to figure this out on my own. I knew I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t, so in spite of the fact that I had precious little time, I began my own personal journey of survival. I learned to become an Empowered Caregiver.

Mothers have the most difficult challenges with caregiving. We’re accustomed to solving problems, giving to everyone, being present, and putting our lives on hold. (On hold for what, I’m not sure.) We have quietly been taught that the role of mother is of the utmost importance, but few of us were ever taught that caring for ourselves is the key to living a joyful, giving, and productive life. We simply put ourselves on the back burner until crisis occurs and we find our personal resources have been totally depleted.

For Baby Boomers, this is often the call that something has happened to a loved one and you are needed. Perhaps it’s a fall, an illness, a trip to the hospital, or just a loved one who is no longer able to care for him/herself. Many Baby Boomers have not planned for this life stage, and it is, indeed a life stage – one that can last for decades. If not planned for in advance, caregiving can wreak havoc on families. The single most important thing you can do is to create a plan for the senior care journey. In my work with caregivers, this is the primary step that has been omitted by almost every family. It is simply too difficult to have “the conversation,” or it’s too painful to think that you might be required to add one more responsibility to your life. And so, in true human fashion, we hope and pray that it doesn’t happen to us. The odds, however, are not in your favor. There are sixty million family American caregivers providing three hundred and six billion dollars a year in free care and services for a loved one with no formal training. If caregiving has not come knocking at your door; it most likely will. You must be prepared and most people have no idea what to do.

Here are some tips to assist you.

1. Make an appointment to speak to your loved ones about life decisions before they need care. Do this as early as possible; long before any problems arise.
2. Treat this as a business meeting (cool, calm, collected) and not as an emotionally charged family free-for-all.
3. Explain in a clear and concise way that you want to honor your loved ones’ wishes and in order to do that, you need as many facts as you can gather.
4. You need to have legal documents in place long before a crisis occurs. Check with your family attorney, but discuss a Power of Attorney for Durable Assets, and be clear that the purpose of this document is not to let you take over their finances, but rather, so that their affairs will continue to be handled responsibly should an emergency arise.
5. Discuss the importance of having an Advanced Healthcare Directive, and be clear about what your loved ones’ personal desires are. This document can change as their health needs change. Nothing is ever set in stone.
6. Try to get a handle on your loved ones’ personal finances or assets so you can determine the best way to honor their wishes and provide them with the care they need. This will also help you determine how much outside care you can bring in to assist you.
7. Determine what, if any, long-term-care insurance exists. If it does, call the insurance broker or company and learn everything you can about the policy.
8. Finally, make your loved one’s house safe to avoid the possibility of accidents. On my company’s home page there is a complete free guide to help you do this. Visit www.thecarecompany.biz and download The Elder-proof Your Home Scavenger Hunt. Safe homes save seniors from going to the hospital.
9. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back, give your loved ones a hug and be grateful that you have taken appropriate steps for the future.
10. Remember that the more planning you do for this time of life now, the easier things will be when something happens. Something will happen, but you will be prepared.

The above tips will only get you started. This is a journey and a big part of it

is learning to live life on life’s terms. It’s stepping outside of your comfort zone and asking for help. It’s setting personal boundaries and learning to care for yourself. Caregiving encompasses all of life’s emotions; sadness, frustration, anxiety, but it also comes with kindness, laughter, pure sweet joy and love.

On July 2, 2009, my ex father-in-law passed away at home with his family surrounding him, but not before he made it to Virginia and saw his granddaughter graduate from college. It was truly one of life’s sweetest moments.

My life is rich today because of this experience.  The Universe presented itself to me in a way that I never expected. I learned a million little things from being a caregiver, but the most important lesson I learned is to celebrate each day, and how blessed my life is because of giving to another.

About Cindy Laverty

Cindy Laverty is dedicated to caring for the caregiver, and her book, Caregiving – Eldercare Made Clear & Simple, is a road map for those who are caregivers or think they might become one. Written from Laverty’s own personal experiences as well as providing basic information, the book helps caregivers navigate the eldercare journey while providing a blueprint for self care. It includes a CD with downloadable forms to help create an organized caregiving system and is available at www.thecarecompany.biz.

In May 2009, Laverty expanded her outreach to become a voice for care in America and launched The Cindy Laverty Show, her live, commercial radio program devoted to the subject of care, “how we care for ourselves so we can better care for each other.” Each week, Cindy interviews nationally and internationally recognized accomplished guests with the constant focus on Care. The lively conversation leaves her listeners with new and profound concepts to ponder.

Today, as a caregiver coach, expert spokesperson for the industry, media personality and author, Laverty has committed herself to re-educating the population on the necessity to live a life rooted in care. Her purpose is to make the caregiving process less stressful for everyone involved. “Americans need to wake up to the fact that we are all caregivers for each other, and that is a good thing.” You can learn more about Cindy at www.thecarecompany.biz. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter @CindyLaverty.