My Parents Are Moving in with Us! Now What?

My mother is frail and she has a hard time walking and doing anything. Her doctor ordered her to have physical therapy, but every time the therapist comes to the house, she kicks him out and says she’s not feeling well. I need her to be strong so I can get a break.: This is not an uncommon problem and it is most definitely nerve-wracking. You need to sit down with your mother and be very clear about the importance of her physical therapy. Unless she has hired an outside physical therapist on her own, this is doctor prescribed. Let her know that you will be contacting her doctor about other alternatives. In home physical therapy is a wonderful alternative to a rehab facility. Be clear about the reasons why she needs to do her PT; share your thoughts with her; try to be home when the PT arrives and stay in the room when she is having her session. Unless there is some physical reason for her refusal to do her PT, then it’s not optional. If there is a medical reason why she cannot physically do PT, then you will need to see the doctor and come up with another plan of action.
My mom and dad moved into our house for financial reasons. My dad refuses to eat the dinners I make and criticizes my cooking in front of my children.: Wow! Dad clearly doesn’t understand that having someone cook meals for him is a gift. Did he used to eat the food that your mother cooked for him before they moved in with you and your family? I would assume so or he cooked for himself. There is nothing that says you have to continue cooking for someone who is unappreciative of the gift of sitting down to dinner with his daughter and his grandchildren. Explain very clearly to him that since he doesn’t seem pleased with your cooking, that he could do his own cooking. You can also suggest that your mom continue cooking as she has always done. Unless there is some cognitive impairment going on with your father, this is inexcusable behavior and you don’t have to put up with it for another minute.
My mother moved in with us about four months ago and even though she is in good health, she does nothing to help around the house! I’m pulling my hair out.: Your question raises lots of questions for us. Before your mother moved into your house, did you discuss with her that you expected her to chip in and help? If not, then you need to get very clear about what your expectations are for her in exchange for providing a safe place for her to live. This issue brings up boundaries - and whether or not you have them. If you have a difficult time with boundary setting, you are really going to have a difficult time setting them for your mother. That being said, this is your home and she’s living with YOU. We assume you have rules in your home. We assume everyone helps out with chores or has some responsibility. If your mother is in good health, then the same rules have to apply to her. Make a list of all the things you have to do on a daily basis to maintain your home and then calmly talk to your mother about ways that she could help. Ask her which tasks she would like to do and then stop talking. Don’t say another word, until she answers you. She will get the message that this is not a hotel and that you have certain expectations. When a parent is in good health and moves in, there is no reason why she should not have to participate in the daily activities required to maintain a home. Get clear about exactly what you expect her to do and then ask. If she refuses contact us at info@thecarecompany.biz and we’ll figure out another way of approaching the subject.

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The thought of your parents selling their home and moving in with you kind of stops you in your tracks, doesn’t it? It’s a lot to absorb. But this big shift in living arrangements is becoming the reality for more Americans across the nation. In much of the world, multi-generational families are the norm, and it is considered natural and expected that families will care for aging seniors. But in the U.S., we have developed the practice of placing our elders in “alternative living facilities” of the kind Del Webb has put up in 21 states.

But not everyone can afford this option. Many seniors are outliving their retirement funds or pensions. They may have lost money in the economic downturn. Families are having to take up the slack and figure out new ways (actually, old ways) of dealing with the issue. For many families, multi-generational living is the solution.

Welcome to the new normal.

Don’t worry; it’s not the end of the world. Life is not going to stop. Armageddon is not going to happen.

Sure, your life will change, but at The Care Company, we’ve noticed that the more people we meet who are making this work, the more people there are who are experiencing happier and stronger family units. Once everyone gets over the initial shock of having Mom and Dad (or Grandma and Grandpa) move in, you can all get to work creating the best possible outcome.

As you do so, note that planning must guide your decisions. You cannot decide on Thursday that your are going to move in on Saturday. They can’t just move in!

So, once you have spent a good deal of time examining the options, once you have become clear that the most logical, reasonable and best choice is for your parents to move into your home, you must begin to plan. Here are some of the things you should do long before the actual move occurs:

Have an honest conversation with your spouse and your children, asking everyone to share their worries and requests regarding the new family dynamic. Write it all down and then come up with a plan of action that relates to “the move.”

Create a set of house rules that apply to your parents. This is a living situation, not a vacation. If you set this up so that your parents feel like guests in your home, you are setting yourself up for disaster. House rules apply to everyone, and everyone needs to have assigned duties and household chores. If your parents are truly infirm, then obviously they will not be doing chores. But if, like millions of elderly people, they are healthy and able, then their contributions in the house can actually make your life easier.

If your parents need assistance, consider hiring some outside help for them. After all, you are saving a lot of money each month by having your parents live with you, and professional care should be part of the agreement.

You must have “family time” without your parents present – time for your children, who may resent not having you to themselves, and time for you and your spouse alone. You must be clear about this priority. There will be events and moments that do not involve your parents. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. You must do this for your family. If you have to schedule the time, do it.

If possible, try to set up it up so that your parents have separate living quarters – even if it’s only a bedroom and a private bath. This, of course, is ideal, and not every family can do this. But considering the sacrifice you are making and the money being saved, you might want to consider creating this space for your parents and, ultimately, for your family.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to this living arrangement. Each family must determine how it will work best for them. The biggest mistake people make is failing to set the family rules. Involve everyone and be honest.

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